The quickest way to get pregnant

I have always been a big believer in Sod's Law.  So when I confront my difficulties in getting pregnant I wanted to tackle the issue from all angles - including sod's law.  To this effect I have made quite sure to go out and buy new clothes that I know could not possibly fit me, should I ever become pregnant again.  If I am going to stay thin I might as well enjoy it,  right!  So I went shopping and was just about to buy the most expensive pair of jeans ever - until the sales man said "you look so hot in those - your husband won't be able to keep his hands off you" to which I replied " Husband? - I'll take two."

On the weaning front, we had our first night of screaming.  First ever.  I decided that I would let Sage  fall asleep at the breast but further feeds would have to be from the bottle, as apparently these feeds are the most detrimental to the cycle.  She sounded as though her world had ended and completely refused the bottle, batting it away with her hand and screaming NO.  She finally fell asleep crying. I was determined not to give in and produce my tit, as it is my strong belief that this will only encourage her to learn to be stubborn (and let's face it she wouldn't even accept the perfectly good goats milk she is happy to drink at other times).  I won, but neither of us slept too well.

When I recounted all of this to my mother, suggested that I explain to Sage why I won't let her feed.  To my surprise Sage seemed to understand somewhat, and even came to me with a picture on my iPhone of me with a very pregnant tommy.  The next night there was only a little bit of complaining but when I reminded her "Mama wants a baby so Sage has to help mama and drink from the bottle" We both got back to sleep within a matter of minutes.  Who would have thought that at 17.5 months she could understand something like that, I am so proud of her.

TOO much sharing? I don't know if it was the no feeding during the night - the acupuncture
- but I seem to have the most female mucus EVER,  Such a pity I have decided to leave this cycle fallow - but my ovulation will just be too late in the cycle, day 20.

Oh no, where's my AMH all gone!

I went to my internist to get my thyroid checked because I have lost so much weight.  The results have come back normal - so no answers there.  Perhaps after all I have been eating less because of my teeth situation (two pulled out, finally out of pain after 4 months, but I can still only eat on one side.  Waiting for partial, which keeps getting delayed - they screwed it up last time, and it got lost in the queue for today's dentist visit).

I also plucked up the courage to ask my internist to have my AMH tested.  I just wasn't prepared to get the news before now, so in actual fact I never asked that Dr Uncommunicative test me - and she never suggests anything on her own!

When I got pregnant with Sage I had 0.52.  Since it has been exactly 2 years since I got pregnant - I looked up average loss per year which is supposed to be about 0.1.  I was bracing myself for something low.  What I got is  0.16.

I suppose it's good to know what's what, depressing as it is.  Now I really do have to start weaning.  Not just talking about it - Actually weaning her.  (I can't start taking any drugs until I do).  The problem is that my life has been so extremely stressful recently, and breast feeding her is just the easiest for me.  I also remember when I tried to wean her at 5 weeks (due to mastitis) how extremely depressed I became.

I have had So many huge things going on at the same time - an article was published about me in a national newspaper about my having been sexually abused as a teenager - continual teeth issues (pain annoyance & surgery, I have been going back and forth on a house I might be moving in to, and accompanying financial worries, tax problems, issues at work, new nanny, sleep problems, and the fact I have to home cook every single thing I eat because of allergies (which keep me awake at night if I am not careful).  I could go on.  I know everyone has a life - that is not easy, but mine seems to have been just too full and too difficult since getting pregnant with Sage.

But I am just Determined to have another baby, because it's something that can't wait until I'm 50!  Stale eggs or fresh eggs.  I just have to get on a schedule, and put my name down for IVF or fresh eggs at a proper clinic, with a real doctor (before I run out of sage's magic seed!)

I firmly believe that it will just be hard for a couple more years, then the rest will be So much easier.  Already I just LOVE having Sage So SO much.  If there is anyone out there who is reading this and thinking  "do i really want a child"  my answer is "YES" my child is everything and more than I had ever imagined a child could be.  "Pushing the pram" is just such fun!

Planting the seed

I finally got to plant my Magic Seed in April.  I nearly missed my fertile window. Luckily I insisted that Doc Uncommunicative inseminate me even though she thought it was the wrong day.  Most clinics rely on OPK's for signs of imminent ovulation, mine chooses a progesterone test.  Quite a number of RE's have told me point blank "progesterone is no measure of ovulation" and I would add to this "ESPECIALLY when the mother is still BREASTFEEDING." I was proved right when I suggested I go in for the progesterone tests the days following the insemination "in case we need to do another insemination" so we could collect data for any following cycles.  Fortunately the day after the "planting" my progesterone had skyrocketed proving that had we waited, we would have been Way Too Late!

Fortunately I could feel that conception had most definitely taken place.  An unusual sizzle in the tits, incredible tiredness with extremely deep sleep and extraordinarily vivid dreams for the first time since  my pregnancy with Sage.  Upon awakening my muscles ached in my fingers (not  such a great sign or things to come!).  A certain enlargement / widening  of my uterus, mysterious pains in the feminine area, and I could go on and on.

I was So happy and excited to be pregnant again, and although I felt tired I also felt extremely Well and Happy.  I couldn't believe that at 42 I could get pregnant so easily!  Then I started testing, and at day 10 finally got my BFP on a very sensitive test.  I was elated.  That is until that is I got my period full force the very next day!

Nearly the exact same thing happened for my May cycle too, except I knew at 5days PO that something had gone wrong....

Now something definitely has to change.  I went to see my general practitioner yesterday whom I greatly trust.   I also have two  unusual problems:  My tongue looks terrible (an acupuncturist would be horrified - hardly any coating and blotches all over) and also,  I keep losing weight despite the vast amounts of chocolate moose and ice cream I keep eating.  I have never been skinnier as an adult (and I am loving it!).  Not surprisingly I am reluctant to have this problem fixed too soon -for obvious reasons - but at the same time I can't help thinking something must not be quite right.

She is running various tests - thyroid etc and told me I have to stop the breast feeding because there is no way of knowing what the prolactin might be doing to prevent me being pregnant.  She also said if I don't manage to get pregnant soon, I will never forgive myself, for not going all out.  I know she is right.  I also don't want to waste the remaining  Magic seed from Sage's donor, because I cant buy any more.

Time to wean, and off to the health food store!

No 2

In December I went to visit my RE about trying for baby No 2.  Since I am still Bfeeding and having monthly cycles she said we could try an unmedicated IUI right away.  However in January when the time came for planting the Magic seed - they sent me for  progesterone test, and told me I was not ovulating despite my LH smiley face.  It seems that they did not realize that breast feeding would affect my progesterone levels! So the moment was missed!

Feb cycle, I went in all excited - until I realized I had been feeling pains in my L ovary for way too long, so requested an ultrasound.  Good news was that there was no cyst, and no evidence of a uterine polyp.  However  at  day 10 my endometrial lining was at only 3 mm, so this cycle too was cancelled.

I just got back from the dentist to find that I have to have another tooth extracted and dental implant (For those of you who don't know me, I am not in my 70's although I may feel like it sometimes).   I will probably only be able to get this done after my vacation - and I can't imagine that would be good to do during conception - So I guess I have to wait till April for my next IUI.

Hopefully I will have been able to wean Sage a little more by then - which might improve my endometrial lining - (as will, not having to fight off my infected tooth).  I am so resisting weaning her. It makes me so sad to think she won't be able to feed from me.  Its just that I had such a hard time fighting with bouts of mastitis, now that all is easy (I went gluten free) I want to be able to comfort her when she wakes in the night.

I can't stand the thought (worry) of not being able to get pregnant again in addition to stopping feeding her before she is ready.  She does love food - its just that as she insists on feeding herself and very little actually goes down!

On the positive side I suppose I have to concentrate on the thought of being pain free - but do any of you have thoughts about using cadaver bone for my dental implant?  It totally freaks me out.

Nearly a year

It has been nearly a year since Sage was born.  A Crazy year - the most difficult of my life, but good.  I am writing this post with toothache.  Things really turned around for us after two important happenings.    Firstly I had an infected tooth pulled.  I got out of the dentists chair - and immediately felt much better, sort of more myself (it began the end of the post partem issues).  Secondly I managed to hire the Most wonderful au pair.  This enabled me to get back to work, and also let me have some help in the house and Sage really took off developmentally soon after her arrival.
Shortly before I took Sage away from the daycare I had heard the owner singing a little song to her in which every other line went something like "Silly Silly Silly Sage". The owner told me proudly "That's the special song I have been singing to Sage since the day she arrived".  My heart sank!
But the great news is that the year has been so rewarding.  I never understood what people say about it all going so fast, but it does.  It goes so fast, that I feel I want to do it all over again.  Sage is practically walking already.  She wants to eat everything I eat, and loves going out and meeting new people.  My life is just the same as it ever was,  Just Lots better, busier and more fulfilled.  And I want another one... I just can't curb my hunger!

She's growing too fast

We had an non essential visit to the doc last week because our daycare twice dared to suggest that Sage  be (bulked up with formula - (((for when she's one))).  Needless to say the doc found her to be of perfect weight 50th percentile - and 95th for height, a massive 28 inches long.  Needless to say we are now searching for a new daycare!

Tonight we hit a milestone. in actual fact i have not been that good at feeding sage.  I still haven't successfully made any baby food.  My blender is somehow not up to the task - and the baby bullet has such awful reviews on the web i couldn't bring myself to oder it.  We sort of started the baby lead weening ( because it sounded like the easiest thing for the mother to do) - but never got much further than Sage gnawing on celery sticks.  In the last 3 weeks two small teeth have appeared.  Thankfully I have not been bitten yet! (Hopefully she learned that bitting was not acceptable when I screamed at her for doing so Before the teeth arrived!).

Tonight was the first time she turned down the breast in order to have some of MY supper.  She ended up insisting on eating some artichoke, red beans, goat yogurt, and trout - in that order!   At the same time as my being sad about this I am happy.  Can't believe we've made it this far!

UK's NHS

Prompted by my mother's concern over whom Sage will go to should I "pop off my perch." We have spent the last weeks visiting with all our UK cousins, and this has been wonderful.  We have been so busy meeting people that many a time when Sage should have been napping, she was busy flirting with a new relative.

Consequently she came down with a cough.  I tried to ignore it, but on Sunday evening I realized we would have to make a visit to the emergency room.  Somehow I managed to talk my way into having the receptionist think that it was just a clerical error that we were not registered with a UK doctor.  After that we were seen in less than 10 minutes (for free).  I was worried we would be given a load of antibiotics - but no - the sensible doctor, checked everywhere and declared "Of course she sounds awful, she has a cough, what do you expect!  No antibiotics, its a virus, she will be fine!"

Now that she is sleeping more, she is definitely getting better.  On our train ride home - I was worried about breastfeeding in public.  As it happened we were seated opposite a very glamourous mother with a baby only 3 days older than Sage.  She had no qualms about whipping out her tit in front of all the men in the carriage.  She just looked at me and said "he's hungry."  Needless to say I felt hugely relieved, and it was only a matter f minutes until I was doing the same!

What I then found out had me feeling a little jealous.  It transpired that after her son was born, she found it difficult to breast feed, so they Readmitted her and the baby into hospital, until they had comfortably got the hand of feeding.

I was reminded of how I pleaded with the doc in the emergency room when Sage was 4 days old to readmit us to labour and delivery (because I was losing my mind, and had not slept since her birth - we were also having feeding problems).  He said this was not possible - and then I had to skillfully dodge questions to prevent myself being admitted without my baby to a mental health ward.  Things would have been so different for us, had I been given the care I would have been given as a matter of routine on the NHS.

There are days I wish I still lived in the UK.